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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25449898">Start over</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercury_Writer/pseuds/Mercury_Writer'>Mercury_Writer</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Hurt Jake Peralta [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Brooklyn Nine-Nine (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, Episode: s06e12 Casecation, F/M, Hurt, Hurt Jake Peralta</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 08:54:03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,201</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25449898</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mercury_Writer/pseuds/Mercury_Writer</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Jake and Amy talk about what happened when they had a debate about having kids. </p><p>Based on a request- 'For this series could u do smth on the ‘casecation’ episode?? I feel like it wasn’t handled well at all.'</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jake Peralta/Amy Santiago</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Hurt Jake Peralta [4]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1783708</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>59</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Chapter 1</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>My friend Laura and her family are going through some financial difficulty right now. It would be amazing if you could donate to her go-fund me. If not could you please share it. Here is the link:</p><p>https://www.gofundme.com/f/help-laura039s-project-for-students-and-her-family?utm_medium=copy_link&amp;utm_source=customer&amp;utm_campaign=p_lico+share-sheet+expWdC</p><p>I don't own any of there characters</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Once the situation with Pam had been diffused Jake and Amy were left to talk, a clear tension in the air after their previous conversation- or debate- about whether or not they want children. </p><p>“Did you really mean what you said, about starting again?” Jake asked tentatively, terrified about what Amy’s answer would be- he couldn’t lose her. </p><p>“I-I don’t know Jake. I love you, more than anything, but I’ve always wanted kids and I thought you understood that and wanted them too. I just- I don’t know.” Answered Amy earnestly. </p><p>“Surely I should be enough though Ames, for now at least. I love you so much Ames, and you say you love me more than anything then why isn’t that enough for you?” Jake asked, close to tears. His old insecurities coming to light about not being good enough; the again if he wasn’t good enough for his own father, why should he be for his own wife, Jake thought bitterly and dejectedly. </p><p>“You are enough Jake, but in the future I really to want kids and I don’t think it’s fair that you’re stopping me.” Amy said. “I mean, I can’t exactly wait around to have kids, you have that luxury Jake and I don’t. I’m already in my thirties, realistically I can’t wait much longer to have kids, which is why I need an answer soon.” She explained further, imploring Jake to understand this from her perspective. Of course Amy understood where Jake was coming from, having kids was a huge decision to make, but she couldn’t wait around much longer before having kids, which is why she said she would start over. </p><p>“I get that Ames, I just don’t think you can rush me for an answer, it’s not an easy decision to make. You’re putting pressure on me to make such a huge and life-changing decision, that is what is unfair here Ames. You have to give me time to think, and not just a week or a month like you said before. I need longer than that. I don’t want to bring a child into the world, not knowing if I’m ready to take care or look after them, I don’t want a kid if I’m not ready for one. I mean look at what kind of a father my dad was. He rejected me because he didn’t want kids and abandoned me as soon as he got the chance. What if I turned out like him Ames, what if I rejected our child? I mean look how well I turned out, I have so many issued all caused by having a crappy dad. There is no way I’m having a kid before I’m a hundred per cent sure I want one and I’m ready for one. And I can’t guarantee that will happen. I just need you to understand and accept that Ames. And so what if we don’t have a kid, we are a family with or without one.”</p><p>“I understand Jake, I really do. It’s totally reasonable that you’re worried about what kind of a father you’ll be-especially after the example you had- but you have nothing to worry about. You are one of the kindest people I’ve met and I know you’ll be the best father. You’re selfless, kind, funny and considerate and are nothing like your father. If that’s all you’re worried about then you don’t have to be.” Amy reasoned. She was right, Jake was a thousand times the person Roger Peralta is and would be an amazing dad, yet if that wasn’t what Jake wanted, she can’t make him agree to have kids. </p><p>“I still need more time.” He sighed. </p><p>“Of course. I can’t expect you to make a decision now. I need an answer soon though. In two, maybe three months.”</p><p>“That’s still not very long Amy, Why can’t we just wait a year? If I change my mind within a year I’ll tell you and we can start trying, if not we’ll decide then what we do.” Jake responded. </p><p>Amy hesitated before answering. “No, I need to know sooner than that or-“ she began before being cut off by Jake. </p><p>“Or what? You’’ have to ‘start over’. You can’t say that shit Amy, it’s like you’re trying to blackmail me into agreeing to have children. For me it’s like you’re saying that if I don’t agree to have kids with you then you’re gonna leave me. That’s not right Ames, it’s not fair on me.” Jake shouts. </p><p>“I wouldn’t do that Jake. I love you. I just want you to see how much having a child would mean to me.” Amy yelled back.</p><p>“Of course I realise how much you want kids, and it fucking hurts me that I can’t give you that- I feel fucking useless to you Ames, like I’m not good enough for you because I can’t promise that I can give you what you want even though you deserve that. I mean let’s face it, I can’t give you what you want, and if you want kids that bad then maybe we shouldn’t be together if it means that much to you.”</p><p>“Don’t say that Jake.” Amy cried in shock. </p><p>“Why not Ames? You’re the one that said you would have to start again. You’re the one that won’t give me time to think about whether or not I want kids. If you really do want to start again and find someone who will give you kids, someone you deserve, then just go- because that’s not me- not right now.”</p><p>“I’ll give you time Jake. I’ll give you a year, like you said. Just please- I can’t lose you. You are my husband and I love you so, so much.” Amy pleaded. </p><p>“Do you promise? And you promise you won’t rush me?” Questioned Jake, unsure of whether or not Amy was being genuine or simply trying to appease him. </p><p>“I promise. I won’t rush you, I won’t pressure you to talk about having kids- unless you wanted to talk. I’ll give you a year and we’ll talk then.” Amy assured. Jake nodded in response.</p><p>“And If I don’t change my mind, you won’t leave me?” Jake asked hesitantly, clear vulnerability showing in his voice. </p><p>Amy paused before she spoke. “I think I need time to think about that too.” Amy said, practically whispering as if she was ashamed of her reply.</p><p>“You would, really do that? You would really leave me because I don’t want kids?” Asked Jake incredulously. He really thought that Amy had finally understood from his perspective and that they would be fine, clearly he was wrong. He thought he’d made her see that even if they didn’t have kids they would always be a family- he thought he was finally good enough for someone, but no, Amy was just going to leave him- like his father did- for not being the person they are wanted to be. </p><p>“I’m sorry Jake, I just need time to think, like you do.” Amy said, trying to reason with Jake. </p><p>“I need time to think whether or not I want kids, not about the future of this relationship.” Snapped Jake.<br/>
“You know what, why don’t you think about whether or not you truly want to be married to me and if you actually love me enough to stay with me just because I may decide I don’t want kids? Then we’ll talk, when you’ve decide whether or not we have a future.” With that Jake left, leaving Amy alone uncertain about whether or not she still had a husband. </p><p>Jake didn’t stay, not seeing the point of him even having a year to think about whether or not he wanted children if Amy would consider leaving him if he said no. He hoped Amy choose him and decide that their marriage was more important to her than having children.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Chapter Two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Jake got into the precinct late the next day having barely slept the night before, his mind unable to shut off after the conversation between him and Amy the previous day. He didn't go home that night, not wanting to speak to Amy anymore about the issue, to him it seemed clear that having children meant more to her than their relationship. After everything that had happened he really thought that he and their relationship would matter enough to Amy so that she would stay with him no matter what, clearly he was wrong. He stayed with a friend, making an excuse that it was easier to stay with them than travel home.</p><p>Jake looked a mess when he arrived, only looking slightly worse than Amy who had been up all night worrying about Jake and seriously regretting their last conversation. Of course she loved him enough to stay with him, she was just overwhelmed with the sudden admission that Jake didn't want to have children. </p><p>"Hey Jake can I talk to you, in private?" Terry asked a few minutes after Jake got to the precinct.</p><p>"Sure thing Serge." Jake responded before getting up and following Terry into the break room.</p><p>"Is everything okay with you and Amy after yesterday? It's just you arrived late and you both look a mess." Terry asked with clear concern for his friend. </p><p>"We talked about what happened and Amy basically said that if in time I still don't want kids she'll leave me. I really thought I was enough for her Terry, but I'm not." 'I never have been good enough for anyone' he thought dejectedly. </p><p>"I'm sorry man." Terry responded.<br/>"Have you spoke to Amy since yesterday?" He asked after a moment.</p><p>"No, I stayed at a friend's house last night." Jake sighed. </p><p>"Talk to her Jake, I know she'll want to sort this. Terry know love and Terry knows Amy loves you. She'll want to sort this out, I know she will." Says Terry reassuringly. Jake knew he was right and that he'd have to talk to her, he was just afraid of being rejected again by someone he loves. </p><p>The day went by slowly, everyone noticing the tension between Jake and Amy but only Terry and Rosa knowing what had happened between them- they didn't feel it was there place to tell anyone, that and Boyle would probably pass out. </p><p>"We need to talk." Jake said plainly to Amy at the end of the day.</p><p>"Yeah." Amy whispered in response. The drive to their apartment was silent, an awkward tension filling the air. </p><p>The two sat on the sofa in silence for a few moments, unsure of who to speak first. </p><p>"Jake I am so, so sorry for what I said yesterday." Amy began. "Of course you are enough for me. I was overwhelmed when you said you didn't want kids and reacted badly. I love you too much to leave you. When you were in prison, I couldn't cope without you and last night was horrible. I felt so alone again because you weren't there. I love you so much Jake, whether you want kids or not that will not change and I will always, always be here for you. What we have is far too important to me to let anything break us apart. Kids or no kids we are a family." Jake listened to Amy speak, almost in disbelief. Yesterday made him feel as if, yet again, he wasn't good enough, hearing what Amy was saying now was exactly what he needed and wanted to hear. </p><p>"Ames I- are you sure? You were pretty clear yesterday what having kids meant to you. I don't want you to have to sacrifice something just for me." Jake said tentatively. </p><p>"Jake, I'm not sacrificing anything. I love you and as long as I have you I have all the family I could need." Responded Amy who gently cupped Jake's cheek. </p><p>"I love you too Amy, so much." Jake said. "And I'm still not saying that I'll never want kids, because there's a chance I could change my mind- I'm just not ready for kids and I don't know if I ever will be." Jake added.</p><p>"I know Jake." Amy replied, still a note of sadness in her tone. </p><p>Jake and Amy talked for a while more, Jake explaining that he was still not fully over what Amy had said the day before because it hurt. His father rejected him countless times during his life and it felt like another person he loved, another person who was supposed to love his was going to leave him because they didn't see that he was good enough for them. Amy of course understood that. Amy explained that although she had agreed to not have children it would take her time to fully come to terms with that as she had always wanted children, just not enough to warrant losing Jake. Of course Jake understood that. They reached an understanding, that no matter what happened they would always love each other and stay together no matter what.. Even when they disagreed and faced difficulties they would always do what they could to overcome it, no matter what it took or how long it took to get there.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I finally did a second chapter!</p><p>Hope you enjoyed reading xxx</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I was going to have a happy ending but I got carried away when writing this, not fully resolving the problem. I may add another chapter at some point. </p><p>If you have any prompt for this series let me know and I'll get around to writing them. </p><p>Hope you enjoyed reading xxx</p></blockquote></div></div>
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